


Quiescence

by fractalbright



Series: stepping stones [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 02:53:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4003102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fractalbright/pseuds/fractalbright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We didn't break up, we're on <i>break</i>."</p><p>Previously: the energy of activation</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quiescence

**Author's Note:**

> technically, this is part my university au universe (which can be found [here](http://oligodynamic.tumblr.com/tagged/%5Bseries%5D-university-au)) but can be read as a stand alone. i just like pining tbh.
> 
> unedited.

_“[H](http://oligodynamic.tumblr.com/post/110465312755/ficlet-the-one-where-eren-and-jean-are)ow did you even get in here?”_

_“Erwin let me in.”_

_Eren’s eyebrows climb up his forehead. “You spent the night at his place? Didn’t you break up?”_

_Very deliberately, Levi says: “no, we’re on_  break _.”_

* * *

It’s a frighteningly familiar listlessness Erwin hasn’t felt in years that prevents him from getting up that morning. 

His limbs feel heavy with lead, he notes, somewhere far enough in his mind that it must not be a part of himself, not with the distinct way he’s aware of every single nerve in his body fires everything and nothing throughout him, yet not at all. Not with the way his body sink further into the mattress, wishing for nothing more than cushion to curl around him and swallow him whole and stop the black hole tearing his chest open.

Erwin’s eyes open with a struggle, meeting a distinct lack of sunlight the winter morning offers. His alarm clock glows red in the dark, 5:58AM glaring back at him, the blinking colon the only affirmation that time is somehow continuing, even when Erwin’s blood moves thick as molasses through his veins.

He should turn off his alarm before it goes off, high and belligerent, rattling him out of his mind viciously as it does when he’s like this. He should try and sum up the energy, try and move his arm–just swing it forward and hit the off.

There’s sadness, Erwin thinks. A relatively common emotion, fleeting, with an end in sight. There’s also Sadness, a seed that takes root in the recesses of your mind, grows branches knotted and gnarled, taking over reason and logic and somehow makes the most menial tasks difficult.

Case in point, Erwin’s arm stays in its position, curled up next to his face, weak and unassuming.

It was only a matter of time. Before he ended up back in this place.

6:02 bleeds into 6:16, into 6:37. 23 minutes, and really, it’s truly stunning how time just forgets about people, fails to pick up debris in its wave.

Erwin’s arm doesn’t move. His eyes slide shut, slicing off the dim red light of his clock and the world around him; the weak, slipping grasp he had on it, dissolves to nothing.

Sleep doesn’t come. There’s an aching sadness eroding away his insides, feels a numbness synapsing through every exposed nerve in his body. Erwin folds in on himself, curling around the ache, tries to stop the tidal wave of despair that threatens to drown him.

He tugs musty sheets further over his head, curls around himself tighter, a pathetic attempt to hold himself together.

His throat aches, his eyes burns. The tears fall from his eyes unbidden, and he wonders when Sadness will kill him.

Erwin needs to get up, he has to. He just doesn’t have the energy.

* * *

A sharp rapping on the door pulls him up to the surface.

“Erwin? You in there?”

Ah. Levi.

“You haven’t been to class in a week, and it’s 3PM right now–”

“We’re not dating anymore, Levi, you don’t need to be here.” His voice is hoarse, with disuse, with how much he misses Levi; throat aching around how much Levi deserves better– at least until Erwin feels something close normal again.

A beat of silence, then: “don’t give me that shit, Erwin, we were friends first, you fucking  _ass_ –” and the door swings open.

“I broke up with you, Levi.” And his heart breaks all over again.

“Will you just– let me in?” He says, like he isn’t standing in the threshold Erwin tries so hard to keep him away from.

Well, since he’s already here. “Fine.”

Levi steps in, shutting the door softly behind him. It’s embarrassing the way he needs to step over piles of dirty laundry littering the floor, stands in silence around the mess unfolding in Erwin’s life.

“You’re the only one who bothered to check.” He murmurs, only a little vindictively, and immediately regrets the words when Levi’s face screws up against them.

He can feel Levi’s muscles tense from where he is, can see the image of clenched fists behind his eyelids.

“No.” He says, laced with venom. “You don’t get to pull that card– you can’t–” he inhales, choking on the word. 

Erwin’s eyes open. The faint light spilling through the blinds is enough for Erwin to see the silhouette of Levi’s head tilting off the the side. Away from him.

“You don’t get to pull that card. You can’t– you can’t push people away and get pissed when they respect that. That’s not how this shit works.” Levi struggles to get the words out–eloquence never a strong suit, but they’re a blow to Erwin’s chest regardless.

“You’re right.” He breathes, eyes sliding shut. “I’m sorry– you’re right, I shouldn’t have–”

Levi sighs. “Stop. It was my judgement call, I thought you needed space, especially after everything. I told everyone to wait it out.”

The bed depresses next to him, springs creaking under Levi’s weight. Fingers card through his hair and embarrassment twists hot in his gut at the grease Levi can no doubt feel clinging to his finger tips.

“I don’t know how to help you.” He says quietly, like speaking too loudly will shatter this thing suspended between them. Even softer, he says: “I don’t– it’s not my place, Erwin. I can’t–” He cuts himself off.

It’s not his place, nor is Erwin his responsibility. Levi’s support is a gift Erwin doesn’t know how to accept.

“Could you open the blinds, please?” Erwin murmurs, lost in the way Levi’s nails drag along his scalp.

Levi relaxes, a minute shift of his shoulders, but he reaches over nonetheless, twists the rod and spills light into Erwin’s room, burning red against his shut eyes.

More movement– Levi climbing over his body, careful not to touch Erwin more than necessary and nestles tight against the wall with his knees folded, ankles tucked beneath him. Something dragging across his sheets, a zipper opening and a rustling of papers. Erwin tilts his head, glances up at where Levi’s dragged a textbook over to rest over his crossed legs, four different highlighters gripped tightly in his hand.

“Levi–”

“–I hate seeing you like this, okay? So I’m not letting you wallow alone anymore. If you kick me out, I promise I’ll leave, but I’m not gonna fight you anymore, Erwin.” Levi says, tired and absolute.

Erwin shudders out a sigh, a smile barely tugging the corners of his lips. He turns over in his side, head tucked in the nook if his elbow. “Thank you, Levi.”  _For coming, for staying– everything._

Air whistles hollow through his teeth, and his fingers run through his hair again. “Go to sleep.”

And he does.

* * *

Later, long after the shadows lengthen and Levi’s fidgeting stops in favour of napping next to Erwin instead, Erwin wakes up; a little less waterlogged, a little more treading water instead of drowning in it, but only slightly.

Levi’s awake, staring at him through low lids, palm curled lightly against the mattress. "I miss you."

Erwin's breath catches, the words lodging in his throat, suffocating him  _I miss you, too. I love you. I'm sorry._

“I need help, Levi.” Erwin’s voice breaks on the word. It’s soul-sucking, absolutely draining to admit it, but it doesn’t feel like losing.

He expects Levi to say something, a well meaning, half condescending  _I know_. Tipping the scale further out of balance with an earth-shattering  _yes, you do_.

Instead, his eyes soften, crinkling around the edges ever so slightly. He brushes greasy hair away from Erwin’s face, breathes into the space between them and god, he can’t help but hope Levi understands what he wants to say to him, what words lie just below the surface.

But Levi can't read minds, and Erwin can't expect him to. “We can clean your room tomorrow,” Levi says instead, doesn’t know what else he can say and doesn’t try– Erwin appreciates it, really. “And you need to shower, seriously.”

Erwin laughs, a huff of air through his nose, and Levi smiles.

He doesn’t slide forward, leaves a canyon of space between them that leaves Erwin aching. His fingers twitch, reaching for him, but Levi doesn’t budge.

“We’ll figure out the rest later.”


End file.
